In a world where every like, share, and follow feels like a digital handshake, why do we still find ourselves feeling alone? Imagine this: A remote worker with a lifestyle many dream of hops from city to city. His Instagram feed is a colorful tapestry of fun locations and smiling faces. He is by no means an influencer, but he is a product of our interconnected age: 1100 Facebook friends, 600 Instagram followers, and a LinkedIn network many professionals would envy. His connections span the globe, a tapestry of relationships far and wide.
Yet, in the heart of Amsterdam, under the soft patter of a rainy evening, he confronts an unexpected reality: his marriage is falling apart. As he scrolls through his contact list, seeking someone to share his feelings of sudden homesickness and isolation, he realizes something startling. Despite the sea of names, there aren’t many people he feels close enough to call. In this moment of vulnerability, the true depth of his connections, or lack thereof, becomes starkly apparent.
Welcome to the modern social conundrum, where expansive networks often mask a scarcity of meaningful connections. Here, Dunbar’s Number emerges, shedding light on our social intricacies in today’s digitally saturated world. We’ll explore how this seemingly simple number can help you unlock the secret to more genuine, fulfilling connections in a world that often feels more virtual than real. So, settle in, and let’s embark on a journey to decode this mental model.
Discovering Dunbar’s Number
Let’s rewind to the early 1990s, when The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air was flipping lives upside down, and people were getting tangled in phone cords. Meanwhile, anthropologist Robin Dunbar embarked on a journey to unravel an essential aspect of our social fabric. Observing primates, our evolutionary cousins, he noted that they spend a lot of time grooming each other for cleanliness and social bonding. This observation led to a pivotal question: How do humans manage their relationships in our complex societies, filled with modern conveniences and social gatherings?
Dunbar turned to the brain, specifically the neocortex, responsible for higher-order functions like thought and language. He analyzed data from various primates and found a correlation: the larger the neocortex, the larger the social group. When he applied this to humans, he arrived at the magic number: 150. This number represents the cognitive limit to the number of individuals with whom any one person can maintain stable relationships.
But our story goes further back to our ancestral past. Humans, like primates, are social creatures. Our survival and evolution have hinged on our ability to cooperate and form bonds. In the past, this meant living in tribes where everyone knew everyone else, a setup essential for mutual support and safety. Anthropological evidence suggests that these early human tribes typically numbered around 150. Dunbar’s Number isn’t just a modern psychological concept; it’s deeply rooted in our evolutionary past.
Decoding the Circle of Friends
Now that we’ve journeyed through the origins of Dunbar’s Number, let’s decode what these digits entail. Imagine a series of concentric circles, each representing different layers of social connections. At the center, the innermost circle comprises the people you can’t imagine your life without—these are your ‘ride or dies,’ typically around 5 in number. These are the folks who would help you move house or be there for you at 3 AM if you needed them.
The next circle expands to include your close friends, around 15 people. This group encompasses those you regularly contact, share personal stories, and genuinely care about their wellbeing. These friends get an invite to your intimate gatherings, the ones you’d vacation with.
Broadening further, we reach a circle of 50—these are your good friends. You don’t see them as often, but there’s a mutual affection and a certain level of commitment. They are the ones you’d invite to your more significant personal events, like a milestone birthday bash.
Finally, at the outermost layer are the 150. This is your tribe in Dunbar’s terms. This includes all the aforementioned circles plus acquaintances with whom you share a sense of community. They are more than just faces or names; there’s a history and a level of trust. Beyond this, the connections tend to be more superficial, people you may know but don’t necessarily ‘connect’ with.
Understanding these layers is crucial. It’s about recognizing that not all social connections are or need to be at the same level of depth and commitment. Dunbar’s Number teaches us to acknowledge the natural capacity of our social lives and the importance of nurturing each layer appropriately.
Stretching Dunbar’s Number
In exploring Dunbar’s Number, it’s important to acknowledge the debates and challenges it has faced over the years. After all, what’s a good theory without a bit of controversy?
Challenging the Magic Number
Is there really a one-size-fits-all number for our social lives? Some thinkers nudge us to look beyond this notion. They argue that our social tapestry is far too intricate to be captured by a single numerical value. For example, a study focusing on varied social groups in the US proposes a different figure (around 290), suggesting that Dunbar’s Number might be more elastic than a 90s scrunchie. And then, picture the affluent, with assistants ready to choreograph their social calendar and outsource the emotional heavy lifting. For them, Dunbar’s Number could be less of a limit and more of a suggestion.
The Stockholm Challenge
As we ponder the stretchiness of our social limits, let’s turn to a group of skeptics from Stockholm University who brought out their calculators to challenge Dunbar’s theory. They aimed to debunk Dunbar’s Number, suggesting that the social brain equation underpredicts human social group sizes. However, Dunbar himself points out the flaw in their approach. Without delving too deep into the statistical labyrinth, Dunbar points out that they used a statistical method unsuitable for accurately predicting group size based on brain size, giving misleading results. Dunbar advises using a different statistical model for the same dataset, one where the original 150 still holds the spotlight. Give or take a few, of course.
WEIRDly Specific
It’s also important to note that much of the research for Dunbar’s Number comes from WEIRD societies. That’s Western, educated, industrialized, rich, and democratic for those not in the academic acronym loop. 150 might hit the social sweet spot in these corners of the world.
Cultural and Technological Influences
Along the lines of different parts of the world having different-sized relationship circles, another argument against Dunbar’s number is that focusing on brain size alone may be overly simplistic. Anthropologist and economist Cristina Carmona tosses other ingredients into the mix. She suggests that our social stew is cooked up with various environmental, cultural, and historical spices. In some remote mountainous regions of Mexico, where there is high biological diversity, communities are structured around a tight-knit nuclear family. Contrast that with northern Ghana, where scarce resources mean you’re stretching your friend list to include the neighbor, the neighbor’s neighbor, and their livestock. When your survival toolkit lacks the usual gadgets, your social network becomes your Swiss Army knife. So maybe our social circles are less about brainy benchmarks and more about the nitty-gritty of getting by.
Diving into the Debate
What do we make of all this? Whether examining hunter-gatherer societies or modern urban networks, the conversation around Dunbar’s Number encourages us to explore the depths and limits of our social world. Honestly, the specific number itself is less important than recognizing how each relationship circle relates to one another and how much time each ring requires you to cultivate. Essentially, there is a balance between the quantity of our connections and the intimacy of those connections. And regardless of whatever number that is for any given person, it remains a fundamental aspect of our social lives.
Unmasking the Digital Delusion
This digital era brings with it a unique paradox. While social media platforms have made it easier to stay in touch and reconnect with long-lost friends, they’ve also muddled our understanding of what it means to truly connect. I’ll let you in on a secret: I’m that digital nomad whose marriage fell apart. And while I thought I had all these friends, it turned out to be more of a digital mirage than a genuine network. It’s easy to feel connected to someone because you think about calling them or because you consume a few posts about their lives here and there. But a ‘follow’ and some ‘likes’ does not a friendship make.
And here lies the crux of our digital dilemma: in the fast-paced whirlwind of online interactions, are we drifting away from the art of forging profound, meaningful connections? Life today often moves at breakneck speed. Quick texts replace long conversations, clips stand in for stories, and AI summarizations replace the joy of discovery. Efficiency has become king, but in this court, the deeper connections that truly nourish our souls require time and attention.
Amidst this digital dance, let’s not forget that our neocortex, the seat of our social intelligence, hasn’t evolved to match the exponential growth of our online friend lists. There’s a limit to how many relationships we can genuinely maintain. The richness of knowing someone, truly knowing them, shapes the quality of our connections. And here’s the thing—this depth, this understanding, it naturally caps the number of meaningful relationships we can sustain. In the end, it’s not about the size of your network; it’s about the strength of your bonds.
Reimagining Social Success
Armed with the understanding of Dunbar’s Number, how did I start navigating my social world for greater fulfillment? Simple: by spending time with people that genuinely enriched my life with these 3 easy steps.
Prioritize Meaningful Connections
In the landscape of my 150, it was essential to identify and nurture the relationships that bring me joy, support, and a sense of belonging. Think of it as social portfolio management—investing more deeply in those relationships that yield emotional dividends. For me, that involved moving closer to my immediate family, choosing select friends for weekly catch-ups, and making an effort to keep my phone tucked away when I’m spending time with someone.
Embrace the Digital-Physical Balance
While digital connections are a reality of our time, balancing them with face-to-face interactions is vital. I’ve met some great friends online, but our dynamic was taken to the next level when I met them in person. And even though my best friend and I live on opposite sides of the country, we try to see each other every year. In an age dominated by screens, the human touch, face-to-face conversations, and shared experiences hold irreplaceable value. These interactions resonate with our evolutionary need for physical socializing, something that text messages and social media cannot wholly satisfy.
Leverage the Power of Small Gatherings
I’ve always enjoyed smaller, more intimate gatherings. That’s who I am as a person who identifies as a confident introvert. I still have larger events in my life and have a good time at them—concerts, big birthday parties, and group trips. But I find the smaller, more intimate gatherings allow for deeper conversations and stronger bonding. Spending time with someone one-on-one has strengthened many relationships in my life. And those moments can been as small as grabbing a drink with a friend or going on a walk together. Because no matter what I’m doing, as long as I’m doing it with someone I cherish or find interesting, it doesn’t matter so much the activity. It’s about enjoying being in their orbit.
By being aware of Dunbar’s Number in my social life, I created a more manageable and meaningful social existence. The guiding value for me is that it’s about cultivating those few close connections that make the rigors of life not just bearable but enjoyable.
Beyond Dunbar’s Number
As we conclude our journey through the fascinating world of Dunbar’s Number, it’s clear that this concept offers much more than just a numerical figure. It’s a roadmap to a healthier, more fulfilling social life. In a world where ‘friends’ can be added with a click and ‘likes’ are a currency, Dunbar’s Number reminds us of the essence of human connection—quality, depth, and authenticity.
This three-digit number highlights the importance of balancing our social energies, focusing on relationships that truly matter, and understanding the limits of our social sphere. It’s an invitation to cultivate a handful of relationships that bring us joy, growth, and comfort rather than pursuing an unmanageable web of superficial connections.
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Extra Resources
Articles
- Challenging Dunbar’s Number
- Dunbar’s Rebuttal
- A cross-cultural comparison of Northern Ghana and Oaxaca groups
- Psychology is WEIRD
Studies
- Average Size of Personal Networks
- Dunbar’s Number Deconstructed